Last weekend we all went out, and by about 7am it was just me and T dancing the night away in a grimey little club in Beijing. Think drugs, techno and sex (Never trust a place where they have Unisex toilets. I'm fairly sure I got pregnant just going to the loo in there).
So we're dancing, he's fairly wasted (shouldn't it be the other way around?) and all of a sudden, we're kissing. And its amazing. The music is loud, its all passionate and exciting, and also sooo natural. It wasn't like two friends getting wasted and making out because they are horny and drunk. It felt like a natural progression in whatever this relationship of ours is...
So, a bit later, we decide to go get some Korean hot pot for breakfast. We jump in a cab, he puts his arm around me, we're kissing, holding hands - all very coupley. So much so that the taxi driver asks if he is my husband. I took huge offense to this - do I look old enough to be married??! To which Mr T says 'Well just say yes, I mean we might as well be, we were deciding on baby names earlier...' (previously in the night our conversation had turned to baby names, and it turns out we like the same names. Only problem is, I actually hate children - unless you can adopt them once they are 25, toilet trained, have a good job, and bring nice wine over at christmas time. I would have children if they were like that from the beginning). ANYWAY what annoys me is that if a girl said that after you'd only been kissing for like an hour the boy would just think PSYCHO and run for the hills. But oooh nooo, its all good when a guy says it. Grr.
We have a nice breakfast, hold hands of the table, then I say i feel like watching some Family Guy and chilling out. He says he has a box set, and why don't we just go over to his (I honestly think that's all that would've happened, we were both exhausted and none of it was like 'hey, we could 'watch tv' and 'cuddle' on the sofa, nudge nudge wink wink hubba hubba'). So we're waiting for a cab, he's cuddling me, we jump in the cab, still kissing, holding hands, etc... but then i decide i'm exhausted and actually just want to go home. And he's cool with it, but says 'i think we should definitely snuggle soon. It would be nice' (how cute). So we kiss goodbye, and none of it feels like a one off. Its 8:30am when I get home, i text to say i got home ok (he got grumpy before because he always asks me to text if i get home ok and i never do). He texted me the next day, monday, tuesday... And then wednesday he texts me 20 mins before the pub quiz that we both go to every week, asking if i'm going to the quiz, which he also does every week. We're in separate teams so do our own thing, and then afterwards all chill out together - his friends and mine. At one point we are discussing a ginger girl in my class who he reckons would be a great mother, so i suggest 'maybe you should marry her', to which he replies 'well then we would have ginger babies. Not cool'. He then casually looks at me and says 'what about if two blondes have children?' (I should point out now that both of us are blonde). Again, boys get away with whatever they want as they are inherently 'cool' and 'chilled', while girls, us girls, are just clingy and whiney. We hit KTV (standard in China). But, you see, always surrounded by friends so nothing happens. We say goodnight, he sends me a message saying thanks for an awesome night, and puts a 'x' at the end which he has never done before. I know you're not meant to read into how many x's someone puts in an sms but if they've never done it before then i like to think it means something...
Thursday: I text asking if he wants to do something that night. He replies he has to work late, but 'my sofa, family guy and you would be a gazillion times better'. So i'm a happy bunny.
Friday: My friend is going home to Norway for a while so invites us all out for dinner and a club where a friend of hers is DJing. She invites T too (how convenient for me...) and he comes. Again, I play it cool - we're all chatting together, i'm not being too flirty, etc. As we get a bit drunker we're a bit more touchy feely (this could be in my head. I know I was being touchy feely, at least, but I cannot confirm what he was doing).But again the night goes by and nothing happens!! There was one moment when we were sitting on a sofa in a club and something probably would've happened, but my friend was sitting on the other side of me, so that would've been awkward.
This all would've been cool had I not fucked it up at the end of the night by being a bit lary. I invite him round to my place 'because I have wine and we can drink more there, its too expensive here'. So, when my flatmate wants to go home, I tell him I have to go, but he doesn't come with me. So i say, perhaps a little aggressively, 'well you could've come home with me, but nooooo'. To which he replies 'well, you're going home with K! [my flatmate]'. And I leave. Maybe I stormed off, I'm not entirely sure. Probably the latter if we're honest.
And that's it really. Ive fucked it up by being way too keen. I ask him out one day, then ask him home with me the next and get grumpy when he says no. In the light of day I see how it would be totally weird if he had come home with me and my flatmate - 3 of us in a cab?! Can you say awkward?
Now it is Sunday. And my dream of spending the night chilling with him over the weekend is ruined. I caved and texted him yesterday (just general friendly banter, nothing flirty) and he replied with some equally meaningless chat. So its not great really. Ultimately, he's just not that into me - if he were, and if he wanted to spend time alone with me, he would. He is just as capable of sending me a text inviting me to do something as I am sending him one. So thats it then isn't it. But I am so bloody obsessive! I just cannot be cool with these situations. I spend so many hours a day worrying about it, talking about it, and, if i'm honest, crying about it. The advice from my friends? 'Maybe you should be a little less obsessive'. Well, DUH. What a new idea. I mean, really, I love obsessing. I love crying. I love making myself feel crap about myself. I love over analyzing. I love staring at my phone hoping he will text me. Sorry, I didn't realise I was obsessing out of CHOICE! How silly of me. It's that easy. I'll just 'stop obsessing'.
New plan: Ignore him. I shall play the 'hot and cold' game. Only problem with that: he doesn't realise he's being ignored. He kind of has to text me in order for me to ignore him. So at the moment, I'm essentially ignoring my urge to text him. So, in conclusion, I am ignoring myself, and he is as happy as larry. Wonderful.
Oh and I have started smoking during the day, when I am sober. Its all part of the 'broken soul' look i'm going for. I also wear stripes and red lipstick. Very femme fatale.
Cg
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